The Results Are In...

And (thankfully) they weren't (quite) as bad as I was expecting.

I wrote this ages ago, but I've only just got round to publishing it because I'm lazy....

I'd tried desperately to keep the thought of receiving my results right to that dark, murky bit right at the back of my head. I was doing quite well at that as well. That was until, on Tuesday morning, I awoke to find a email from GAMSAT with the subject reading:

'GAMSAT 2013 UK: Your Results Are Now Ready'

Cue lots of uncontrollable shaking and butterflies and everything else associated with acute-exam-result-related-nerves. It's safe to say I was a bit of a wreck. 

I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank ACER (the people who do GAMSAT) for telling me the results wouldn't be ready until LATE November, before releasing them on the 19th - Which still classes as Mid-November to me... I'd also like to thank them for giving me no prior warning and for emailing me at 5:53am, so that when I woke up just before 7am, I went into a tizz before I even got out of bed.

I opened the email on my iPad; clicked on the link and carefully entered my login details, whilst simultaneously trying not to drop said iPad through nerve-related shaking.

I then tentatively clicked on the 'Get Results' link before reading three little numbers which have given me a confidence-boost somewhat.

They're not great results, and, as I expected, I'll be doing the exam again next year. But, as someone who expected to be greeted with the dreaded:

'30. 30. 30...'

...Across the board, I'll take what I actually achieved (with very little in the way of revision) as not too bad indeed. For me...

49. 51. 42.

Average: 46.

Victim Blaming

I've just been reading some stories on the website of my local newspaper. I encountered a story about a woman who was sexually assaulted by a male friend of hers. They were both drunk. She fell asleep and awoke to find his hand down her pants. He's been spared a jail sentence.

That alone worries me, but what worries me even more is the attitude towards sexual assaults and rape. Here is a screenshot of the only comment that was beneath the article:

What worries me EVEN more is that I 'red arrowed' this comment, only for somebody else to clearly like what this numpty has said, knocking it back to a neutral zero. ('Numpty' is a far tamer word than several that are going around in my head right now...)

I agree that whilst drunk you are less responsible for your own actions, and that, is dangerous. But why should women live in fear of getting drunk just in case they're subjected to a horrific sexual assault? You should be able to live your life the way you want without fear of being violated so atrociously. Regardless of the fact that the perpetrator is sorry, he still did it.

How progressive does society have to be before we can eradicate or at least significantly reduce the numbers of crimes like this? Women are not sex objects. We are not there as playthings. We have rights and feelings and the same freedoms as men, so why are so many people blaming victims of rape for their own misfortune? Why not blame the disgusting creatures that commit these crimes? 

Women should be allowed to dress how they like, drink as much as they like, be friends with whoever they like, do whatever they like (within reason... Obviously...) and live their lives with the same freedom that men do. Just because we're different to men doesn't mean to say that we have to be treated as lesser members of society.

Put yourself in the shoes of a rape victim. Imagine how on earth that must feel. To be a victim of such a horrific crime that essentially ruins, or significantly changes your life. Then imagine what it must be like to receive little or no sympathy from others and to be blamed for your own sexual assault... And THEN vilified for a myriad of trivial matters that seemingly caused the perpetrator to single you out for their disgusting act.

From personal experience, I know what it's like to be overpowered by a man. Thankfully, things never went that far, but wires were well and truly crossed and things nearly got out of hand. I was left shaken and fearing any intimacy afterwards. It has had a huge impact on me, yet the man involved probably doesn't even remember it or regard it to be a serious matter. To have a man try and force himself on you is suffocating, it's scary and it's sickening that they see you in that way; as a object to copulate with. Nothing more, nothing less. 

I am aware that this comment is from somebody entirely insignificant with views that I disagree with on a news website. I am also aware that I am an idiot for letting it get to me and writing this blog post in the first place. But I've had enough of misogyny, victim blaming and oppression. 

Why can't we all just get along?

Daily Mail - Women 'To Blame' For Being Raped

The Guardian Says It Far Better Than I Ever Could...

...As Does The Independent 

N.B. Upon checking the aforementioned article again, the comment has now received 12 likes. Ridiculous. 
Who are these people with vile views and why are they allowed to comment on news sites, encouraging other impressionable people to agree with their horrid opinions... Thus causing society to regress to a misogynistic wasteland?

GAMSAT IS OVER! (For now...)

It's been far too long since I've written anything on here; and I apologise for that.

It's just, you see, I've been a little busy with all the GAMSAT malarky. But it's over now! And I feel a bit strange... Relieved yet worried. 

I sat GAMSAT at Ponds Forge International Sports Centre in Sheffield. It's really near the train station; so my walk (which made me feel like a dead woman walking...) was relatively quick. My admission ticket said to be there for 8:15, and like the Square that I am, I got there at 8:14.

The queue to the Sports Hall was MASSIVE. I was quite surprised that there were so many people sitting the exam. The Sports Hall was full; and they had to put people in two separate meeting rooms in addition to this.

The Sports Hall at Ponds Forge

One thing I learned very quickly is that there's a lot of bureaucracy surrounding the exam. Lots of talking about rules etc. You also (and I didn't know this before) have to keep your admission ticket and ID on your desk throughout the exam.

And you get a rather nice stamp on your hand; which reads: 'Inspected'. Nice. It took thoroughly washing my hands sporadically throughout the day and having a bath before bed to just about get rid of it.

'Inspected'

I can't really tell you that much about the content of the exam because we were kind of sworn to secrecy... I can tell you though, that I had questions about medical ethics and organic chemistry in abundance.

As you probably already know, the exam is split into three different parts:

Section I - Reasoning in the Humanities and Social Sciences,

Section II - Written Communication,

Section III - Reasoning in the Biological and Physical Sciences.


Section I is an hour and a half, Section II an hour (You have to write two essays in that time frame) and Section III is a whopping three hours long!

You get an hour's lunch break between Sections II and III; and, like me, most people chose to go outside and get a little fresh air. In fact, one poor lady had what looked like a panic attack outside the doors because of the sheer strain of the exam.

This is not the aforementioned poor lady...

I was fine during Section I - which leads me to think I did quite badly. Usually the better I think I performed in an exam; the worse my grade ends up being.

I'll admit that I panicked quite a bit during Section II - I prepared for this section in the wrong way. I read lots of newspapers; books relating to Social Sciences and the like; but I didn't practice the writing side of things enough. So, my mind went a bit blank and I started to panic; but I recovered and rambled on about a load of rubbish; which also leads me to presume that I won't do all that well...

Section III on the other hand ended up being a bit of guesswork in parts. I did what Griffiths' GAMSAT Review suggests and guessed 'C' (apparently, there's ever so slightly more chance of guessing correctly if you choose the answer that's 'C'). There were things I recognized and a lot of things that threw me a little. I'm not holding my breath.

At the end of the day, all I did was my best. I was so nervous about Section III that I did consider scarpering during the lunch break; but I would have been so disappointed with myself if I had. It's not my style to abandon things before I succeed; I'm too stubborn like that.

Results are out at the 'end of November'. Oh I love how elusive ACER are.

Hmmm.

Hmmm. Today's been a bit of a crap day to be honest.

Four hours sleep. Then I spent half the afternoon sitting on my bum in front of the fire whilst eating cornflakes and watching comedy on TV to try and alleviate my bad mood.

I went on a wild goose chase too. All around the city to get my Mum an iPad. (She was paying, I was just picking it up for her...)

When I got home, I still felt crap: bad mood, hungry, tired, fed-up etc. I could go on (but shan't for fear of boring you all to death...)

Whilst on my wild goose chase, I picked up some pick and mix. First time I've had it in about ten years. That seems to be helping keep me a little cheerier; that and copious cups of coffee.

I had a really good weekend. A family wedding on Saturday and then drinks with my friends on Sunday evening. I had a laugh for an entire two days (back-to-back) for the first time in ages. It was wonderful.

Then today, I came back to earth with a big bump: I received two job rejections. GAMSAT revision is also looming but I seem to be so bad at self-discipline at the moment, I've hardly done anything recently. It's ridiculous. I need to give myself a big kick up the backside; except I don't know how.

Boy and best friend problems also don't help my mood. Why can't everything just be a bit more simple for once?

Still, tomorrow's another day and I've still got about three quarters of a bag of pick and mix to wade through. So it's not all bad... ;)

Best Friend Dilemma.

The clue's in the title really.

I've known my best friend for ten and a half years. I thought that we'd be friends until we were bitter old ladies, sat next to each other in a Nursing Home knitting away and putting the world to rights. However, that's not really the case any more.

For the past few months she's been constantly ignoring me, making excuses not to see me and just generally not being a very good friend.

She spent the majority of last year unemployed after leaving college. I tried to support her then and she pushed me away. I knew she was struggling but she just didn't want my help. I was doing my finals and she was trying to occupy herself by applying for an endless stream of jobs. She got there in the end and has been working full time for the past few months.

She's an incredibly difficult person to know and to get through to. She won't listen and when she really needs a friend, she pushes everyone except close family members away.

I'm the only person that she's regularly in touch with from school. She's disowned the rest of our mutual friends. She says that she can't be bothered with them because they've made no effort with her. They have, she just didn't realise... Or care.

I'm not going to lie, these past few months have been really tough. I've felt so down for such a prolonged period of time and the only people who've consistently been there for me are my parents.

When I think about how little she's supported me, my initial thought is that I'm just being selfish for expecting her support. She just doesn't realise how other people feel and she's definitely unreceptive to the emotions of others. I feel cruel for even saying that. I haven't seen her properly since last year. I didn't even get a Christmas card. She got a Christmas card and presents before Christmas from me. 

She texted me a few weeks ago to tell me that she was ill. I texted her the next day asking if she was feeling better. She ignored me. So after three days I began to get a little worried. I popped round to see how she was (bearing in mind she lives two minutes walk away from my house), and she couldn't wait to get rid of me. She didn't invite me in and blamed me for her dog wetting itself with excitement because I'd turned up unannounced.

I know our friendship has never been a conventional one, but I do at least expect to get a reply to a text within a week. Something that frequently doesn't happen. I'm losing patience with her. 

I honestly don't know what to do. In my heart of hearts, I feel like our friendship is nothing but a chore to her. I'm a burden to her like I am to many others. And best friends shouldn't make you feel like that, should they?

I can't help who I am and how I am. I can't change to a great extent to fit the needs and wants of other people. And to be honest, if being an unemployed loser for the past ten months has taught me anything, it's that I need to stop trying to please others and focus on making myself happier.

What do I do? Accept that she probably just doesn't want to be friends? Keep on fighting a futile battle? Get on with life and focus on other friends? I honestly don't know. Ten years of friendship would go down the toilet if I were to just walk away; but it's as though she doesn't want me in her life anyway.

We're both only children and there's sometimes a battle of wills when it comes to who's going to get their own way. When we were younger, I never used to give in, but nowadays, she tends to get her way. She deliberately makes me feel bad when there's a threat that she's not going to get her own way. For example, on my birthday a couple of years ago, the two of us went to London. I wanted to go on the London Eye because it's something I hadn't done before. She, however, didn't want to because she'd been on it once before with a relative. She said to me: 

"We can go on it if you really want to, but I really don't want to. If you do though, I suppose I'll go along with it..."

What can I say to that? "Yes I'll force you onto the London Eye against your own will and consequently never hear the end of it..." So, no, I gave in and we didn't go on it. She got her way and I've still never been on the London Eye... 

Recently if I've asked if she's free on a certain day, she'll just ignore my messages. So now I don't generally broach the subject of meeting up. I invited her out for drinks with some other friends over the weekend; she declined my offer.  It's just easier to leave her alone than it is to be ignored or rejected.

I asked her yesterday when she might be next free. She's ignored me. She's been on Facebook today, but she hasn't replied to my message; because I'm evidently a hindrance to her...

It makes me feel like I'm being needy. I'm not though, am I? For wanting the girl who's supposed to be my best friend to just reply to my messages every now and again?

I couldn't resist.

Apologies for this incredibly boring, self-deprecating and insecure post, but it's quite cathartic to write it all out... 
It's really just been a huge excuse for me to use an array of cute pictures. Sorry...